A Future in China?

Before this experience, I was 75% sure that I wanted to work in China after I graduated, although if you had asked me what company? or what kind of job? I wouldn't have been able to give you a very clear answer. I was expecting that this percentage would go up after studying in China and gaining a better understanding of this country's culture and history, but actually, my inclination for working in China has gone down. (Of course, this may be because I'm going through the predicted low point that according to the chart we saw during orientation hits right at around two or three months, and in that case, I'll probably change my mind in the upcoming couple of weeks.)

These days, I'm discovering more and more small things in the culture and the environment that disproportionately upset me. For example, I was really offended after a verbal exchange with some street vendors in Datong. A group of us ACC students were buying ice cream, and the sight of so many foreigners drew a crowd. After huddling around, one street vendor asked us where we were from. They had spotted me and a couple of other Asian American students, and when we all replied, "America" they started laughing and were like "there's no way! Just look at those two! They're clearly Chinese." That in itself didn't really bother me (although through this exchange we can see that most Chinese people haven't grasped the concept that America is this huge melting pot that contains people from all different countries), because I do consider myself Chinese - not only are my parents Chinese, but I was born in China. What happened next, however, really upset me. After buying our ice cream we started heading for the bus, but we hadn't gone a few steps before one of them yelled at me and the other Asian American student: "喂! 把你的客人带过来! 叫他们买点儿有大同特色的东西吧!" [Bring your guests over here to buy some souvenirs] Just a couple of minutes ago we had explained to them that we were all American students studying Chinese in Beijing, and so they knew full well that the other students were not part of some tour group, and that I was not their tour guide. When I told them again that I was also a student, they responded with: "你皮肤那样黄, 算什么美国人呀!" [With your skin color, how can you call yourself an American?"

As I'm starting to realize that this attitude is one held by many Chinese people, I'm starting to reconsider how much I actually want to work here after I graduate - do I really want colleagues who think the supposed discrepancy between the culture I identity with and my appearance is some kind of identity mistake on my part, and not the essence of who I am? On one hand I feel a little guilty for not accepting this point of view as just part of Chinese culture (that's what an integration-inclined me would do), but at the same time, how can I not help but feel like an outsider of two worlds? Thus, why should I work in China, and subject myself to this feeling of alienation?